Find Small Talk Awkward? Do this.
Why do some conversations feel so damn weird? And why do some people have more weird conversations than others?
Perhaps awkward encounters and weird verbal exchanges are phenomena for which you are unfortunately familiar. If so, you’re not alone.
There’s a simple reason why conversations feel weird; ensuring this reason doesn’t apply to you will eliminate the majority of that unwanted awkwardness.
So what is thereason conversations feel so often feel weird? Why are some exchanges so fraught with awkwardness?
Simply put, a conversation feels weird whenever its purpose is non-existent, unclear, or embarrassing.
In other words, when there is no socially acceptable justification for a conversation to exist, it is bound to feel weird.
As an illustration, imagine yourself walking up to a stranger in a grocery store and introducing yourself. If you don’t quickly make it clear why you’re approaching this stranger, things will get weird very quickly.
However, if you are quick to offer a legitimate reason for your approach, any potential weirdness quickly subsides. Perhaps, for example, you want to ask for the time. Or perhaps there’s a great offer in the next aisle you’re eager to share. Or maybe you’re just in a good mood and want to brighten someone’s day by having a friendly word or two.
If, however, you don’t establish a clear purpose behind the conversation, either explicitly or implicitly, your interlocutor will be left questioning your motivations. This means things will get weird.
A little later, we’ll discuss why some people, introverts in particular, tend to struggle establishing purpose in their conversations. Then, we’ll look at some ways to fix this problem.
But first, let’s explore what is meant by purpose in the context of conversations a little more.
What is meant by purpose? And what are some common purposes in conversations?
The purpose behind a conversation is the justification for its initiation. For example, you might initiate a conversation to instruct a colleague how to use a new computer system. Here, the purpose of the conversation is clear: to instruct.
Or you might start a conversation with a friend who’s feeling down in order to cheer them up. Again, the purpose of this conversation is clear: to boost someone’s mood.
Neither of these conversations would likely feel weird because they have clear purposes, purposes which are socially acceptable and easy to understand.
There are lots of potential purposes behind conversations. Some of the most common include the following:
To instruct
To inform
To entertain
To empathize
To check up on someone
To connect
To have fun
To learn
Any of the above purposes will be sufficient justifying a conversation and consequently dispelling any potential weirdness.
Unfortunately, though, with some conversations it is hard to determine their concrete purpose. This is especially true of small talk.
When it comes to small talk and social chit-chat, awkwardness is more prevalent than with, say, informative work-related exchanges. This is because the purpose behind small talk and chit-chat is not always clear. And this is especially true for those who are more introverted.
Introverts Vs Extraverts: Why Introverts Hate Small Talk
If you fall into the extravert category, the purpose of most of your interactions, small talk included, is often self-evident. You talk to people because you enjoy talking to people. Conversation is fun. That’s its default purpose.
It’s never weird for a extravert to engage in small talk, because for them small talk is justified for its own sake.
As such, an extraverted person doesn’t come across as weird when engaging in small talk with a stranger, or when chatting to a colleague. It is self-evident, from their smile and enthusiasm, that talking to others is inherently enjoyable. So no one questions their motivations for carrying on a conversation, or finds their conversations weird.
Introverts, on the other hand, don’t always have the same experience. For them, small talk is not inherently fun, neither is social chit-chat. So when they engage in social exchanges, it’s sometimes unclear what they’re getting out of it. In other words, for them small talk and chit-chat don’t have a clear default purpose.
And, as we have discussed, conversational exchanges without purpose are inevitably weird.
As introverts lack that natural enthusiasm when engaging in social chit-chat, their motivations for talking are not automatically evident like they are for their bubbly opposites. This obscures the purpose of their conversations and leads to speculation as to their intentions.
Are they talking because they want something? Or is it because they feel forced?
For these reasons, we introverts should take care to arm ourselves with alternative purposes behind our conversations whenever we are having a day when smiles don’t come easily and small talk isn’t an instant delight.
How to Find Purpose in Your Conversations
As ‘fun’ is not always a default purpose for introverts to fall back on, they need to better define the purpose behind their conversations in order to avoid any weirdness. And, this purpose needs to be both clear, and socially acceptable.
As an introvert myself, the default purpose behind my small talk used to be either of the following:
1 — To satisfy social convention
2 — To avoid awkwardness
As will be apparent, these purposes are both negative. That is, they frame the interaction as unwanted, but better than the godawful alternative of silence.
Neither of these purposes are particularly good for carrying a conversation. You wouldn’t, most likely, proudly share these as the reasons for initiating a chat. And, if you go into a conversation with the mindset that you’re only talking because of the force of societal conventions, you’re not likely to have an enjoyable exchange.
In addition, your conversation will feel weird, because your interlocutor will either sense the slightly off putting purpose behind your conversation (that you are only talking because you feel you have to etc.), or they won’t sense any purpose behind your conversation at all.
Neither of these are any good.
As will be apparent, we need to establish a better purpose behind our conversations if we are to avoid them descending into weirdness. We need to reframe our social interactions positively and go into them with a positive intention.
Now if you are an introvert, or if you are simply not in the mood for conversation, fun is perhaps not the best purpose behind a conversation. It’s tough for an introvert or someone who’s having a bad day to find fun in social chit-chat on the fly.
Fortunately, though, there are plenty of purposes for conversations that we can use instead. The below examples are purposes that will give a point to your conversations that are far more positive than satisfying social norms or avoiding dreaded silences.
See if you can reframe your small talk with the below purposes:
To learn — every single person has something to teach and a perspective worth considering. If you enter a conversation with the motivation to learn, your conversations will lead you to fascinating places. So try tapping into your natural curiosity and learning something new with the conversational opportunity in front of you. See if your interaction can teach you something interesting about the person in front of you.
To connect — perhaps you’re eager for a sense of connection with another human. Maybe you’re keen to make new friends or perhaps you’re merely wanting to share a fleeting moment of warmth with a stranger or acquaintance. Whichever it might be, exploiting the human desire for connection and mutual understanding is a great way to prime yourself for quality conversation.
To make someone feel good — every conversation is an opportunity to put a smile on someone’s face and leave them just that little bit better off. A desire to make someone smile or to at least convey some warmth gives a powerful purpose behind our conversations. And there are manifold ways to make someone feel good in small talk, from cracking a joke to lending a listening ear.
To convey friendliness — finally, a strong purpose behind conversations could be a desire to convey friendliness and sociability. A polite bit of small talk or a brief breaktime chat can work as an efficient way to communicate the message that you’re a friendly, warm, trustworthy person eager to build a positive relationship with your interlocutor.
Concluding Words
These are just a few ways to positively frame your conversations, but there are many more. And with a strong purpose, your conversations are bound to be free from that weirdness will all so detest. So find the purpose behind your conversions and watch those awkward interactions that have no apparent reason for existing transform into warm and engaging moments.
