The Forgotten Communication Skill
What constitutes good communication skills? Clarity? Concision? Attentive listening? Perhaps the ability to influence or persuade?
These are important skills, to be sure. The ability to convey clear instructions and comprehend the utterances of others are essential to good communication. But these are insufficient in themselves unless balanced by an overlooked communication skill.
I once had a boss who illustrates this point perfectly.
The boss in question prided herself on being a good communicator. Being ex-military, she had a direct, no-nonsense approach to getting her point across. Her instructions were easy to understand, her voice was clear, and she certainly wasn’t afraid to speak her mind.
And regarding listening, whenever a member of the team had something to say, she would take a moment to pause, stare directly into their eyes, and twist her mouth into a snarl as she awaited a response.
So why, considering this direct, no-nonse approach to communication, was there invariably confusion and chaos whenever she was in charge? Why did communication within the team break down so often despite these apparent attributes?
The answer, of course, is that she terrified everyone. And a boss who terrifies their team can never be a first-rate communicator, because they lack that all important skill: approachability.
What is Approachability?
Approachability can be defined here as the ability to invite communication, directly or indirectly.
In other words, being approachable means fostering an interpersonal dynamic that encourages communication, rather than inhibits it.
Sadly, too few managers and people in power lack this ability. In fact, the more senior a person becomes and the more prestige they accrue, the less approachable they become by default.
For this reason, cultivating approachability is a skill that managers, bosses, and the newly promoted should take care not to overlook
Why is Approachability Important?
Communication is not a one way street. As the ‘co’ in communication suggests, communication requires at least two participants. Communication is, after all, essentially a transfer of information, and transfers of anything require both a sender and a receiver.
Unfortunately though, the ‘co’ in communication is often forgotten. We overlook the fact that communication is a process that requires others to not only receive our information, but send back information to us.
This is why approachability is critical. Good communication is not just expressing yourself precisely; it is facilitating an environment in which others can express themselves too.
If information is merely launched to a recipient, only half of the communication has been achieved. To optimise information exchanges, opportunity for the recipient to clarify and contribute is required.
Here’s why.
To start, no matter how clear you think your instructions are, listeners won’t always understand fully. What is plain and simple to you might not be so for another. For this reason, it is important listeners are given the opportunity to clarify what has been said, either by repeating back information in their own words, or by asking questions.
Second, no matter how dazzlingly brilliant your instructions and ideas might be, they’d undoubtedly benefit from a little feedback and perhaps some additional input. The contents of your own single brain are unlikely to be superior to the pooled input of several brains, so cultivating an environment where those around you are willing to supply their own intelligence and insight is wise.
And, in order to keep these channels of communication open and allow for the free flow of better ideas and feedback, we need to cultivate approachability.
It might be worth noting that creating a free and open environment in which communication is encouraged is especially important when dealing with the young and the reticent. These people are often far more reluctant to share their thoughts or ask for clarity than those who have developed self-confidence and status over the years.
How to be More Approachable
So how do we develop that all important communication skill? How do we actively cultivate approachability and foster an environment in which information is willingly shared?
Some of us are naturally approachable by virtue of our warmth and agreeable characters. But regardless of our temperamental differences, we all still must actively work harder to cultivate our approachability, especially as we rise in rank or status.
Here are some ways we can do it.
First, don’t skip small talk. You might be one of those people who views small talk as pointless. And in some ways, it is. Small talk doesn’t serve to broaden your understanding on important issues, and it doesn’t help you directly solve problems.
But it does communicate to your interlocutor that you’re open to communication, regardless of whether or not that communication has direct utility. And that is useless in itself.
In a way, the power of small talk lies in its apparent uselessness. If you are open to chat about seemingly pointless topics such as weather or yesterday’s football match, you’ll likely be open to listen to new ideas or proposals, regardless of how wrong or stupid they might be.
Second, don’t forget to smile. Smiling, or at least, refraining from frowning, is perhaps the easiest and quickest way to render ourselves approachable. A simple raising of the cheeks can work wonders in inviting ideas in your direction.
Not the smiley type? Try raising both eyebrows. This little trick opens up your face giving you a less serious look. And, as you’re likely to feel slightly silly with both eyebrows hoisted upwards, smiles and laughs will come to you more naturally.
Finally, avoid the dark triad of approachability killers: don’t scold, belittle, or ignore. Commit one of these sins just once and you risk causing serious, long-term damage to your approachability. This risk increases in proportion to your status.
It takes just one harsh word, one put down, or one instance of neglect to dissuade someone in your team from sharing their ingenuity for the duration of your relationship. And that is a significant cost.
It might be worth noting that sometimes it is not clear to us when we are scolding, belittling or ignoring. What might have been intended as light hearted teasing, might be interpreted as belittlement, for example. So be sure to err on the side of caution and avoid this dark triad at all costs.
Conclusion
In summary, quality communication can only take place between two or more people. It isn’t a one way street, so if you’re blocking the flow of traffic in your direction, you’re seriously limiting the quality of your informational exchanges.
So be sure to smile, make small talk, and show that you’re someone with whom ideas can be safely shared.
